Homeschool Moms Discuss: Toxic Friendships

Amy Kalscheur from Indiana

When I used to think of the phrase “Toxic Friendship,” my mind would immediately think of friends who might try to entice one another to smoke, drink, use drugs, or to do other immoral activities. Recently, however, that phrase has morphed into something that took me by surprise.

My 14 year old daughter had—and still has—a great group of friends. These friends are Catholic and mostly homeschooled who would never even dream of smoking or doing anything which offends God if they could help it. They march at Pro-Life rallies, go to Mass, are polite, and dress modestly. They are good kids: kids that I want my daughters to be friends with.

However, I noticed that my daughter was starting to sleep poorly. She was on the phone quite often (we just have the land line) and out of earshot at times. She often seemed stressed about her friends’ situations, though she rarely told me any details. To most people, she probably just seemed like a “typical teen” who was getting involved with her friends’ lives—the drama of it all.

But this wasn’t your typical teenage drama. Upon investigation, I learned that a few of her friends were struggling with huge problems. One had been struggling with a recently diagnosed seizure disorder—one that affected her amygdala (the emotions part of the brain) and caused dramatic mood changes. Another friend, who had chosen to convert to Catholicism on her own, was being thrown out of her family because of her choice to convert. Another friend was dealing with an abusive family member. All of these girls needed help, and all of these girls began to confide in my daughter, my 14 year old daughter, who then tried her best to comfort each and give them counsel. My daughter took all of their pain and grief upon her shoulders and tried to bear it for them. Having no resources to actually fix their problems, all that happened was that my daughter began to internalize their troubles. The girls still had the same problems, which they would dump on my daughter day after day.

14 year olds aren’t capable of handling these types of issues on their own. When she finally started telling me what was really going on with her friends, I jumped into action. First, I pulled her back from those friendships. She was still able to be friends with those girls and to spend some time with them, but not as much, and always in my presence, never on the phone. Second, I personally talked to each girl and told her that she could always talk to me about anything (after I had gained the permission of her family to talk to me—sadly, the family of the girl who converted told me that they didn’t care what their daughter did anymore), but they were not to use my daughter as a therapist any more. We laid down some ground rules about what was appropriate for conversation. Adult problems, even when experienced by a child, are still adult problems. Laying those problems on a child is toxic.

In the end, all three girls did come to me for counsel quite often, but all three stopped confiding in my daughter except to give updates on their situations, which, glory be to God, all improved over time. My daughter was able to continue being friends with the girls, but I have learned an important lesson. Any child can have adult problems, but adult problems must be handled by an adult.

Missy Savage from North Carolina

What parent wouldn’t want to pick and choose friends for their child? I see myself creating opportunities for interaction with certain families so that my kids can make good, solid Catholic friends. There are times, though, where my kids make friends with others outside of my reach and control—shocking isn’t it? In reality, this is what we are supposed to do—be Christ’s light in this world. Your child is living out his call as a Christian when he does this. Most of the kids in modern society do not understand the Christian way of life and often make fun of it. While it hurts your child in the moment it happens, I believe that we can use this hurt to our advantage when trying to break away from these toxic friendships. Let me use an example to illustrate what I mean.

Recently, my teen son met a girl through a fellow friend and they started to date. In the beginning of the relationship, all my son could see were the good traits she had. As the relationship continued, his attitude and some of his long standing beliefs on certain issues changed. This is where we, as parents, stepped in and really started to talk with him about what was going on.

We talked WITH him, not at him. We found when we lectured, he tuned out. Keep the dialogue going at all times, and if you find yourself or your teen getting too upset, step back and breathe. Take the subject up another day.

Our discussions would usually happen after he would come home from a date. We would ask what they talked about and what they did. Not because we were nosy, but because we were curious about their thought processes. We also invited them to our home to have a date “in” so our family could be a witness to this couple.

Eventually, we could see very different, almost opposing, family views on every subject between the two of them. Having this information in hand, we could fight what was happening to him. We wanted him to come to the conclusion that this relationship was not good. He wasn’t seeing the traits we were, so we had to purposefully choose a strategy to help guide him. When he would be impatient with a sibling, I would question what has changed his attitude recently. If he did something good for another, I praised him for it. When he would tell his girlfriend his accomplishment, she didn’t praise him. Finally, he came to us and questioned many contradictions in word and actions from his girlfriend.

After months of discussion, he did break off the relationship, much to his parents’ delight. Parents and teen can both attest that this one relationship, which put so much stress and pressure on us all, was actually a blessing in disguise since there is nothing that the three of us can’t talk about now. Since going away to college, he still calls and chats with us all about what he is doing and with whom. His college friends can’t and don’t understand how he can do that. He is perplexed that they do not have this similar type of relationship with their parents.

Turning a bad situation into a positive example was challenging, but so worth it. Our son learned lots of things: how to figure out what is important to him and his own beliefs; not to lose oneself when you enter into a relationship by just going along with the new person and putting your own feelings away; and how to ask others for help when you are confused or frustrated. These three steps are vital for any relationship whether looking for a new BFF or a new romantic relationship. You can use these criteria when you are deciding if this new friendship is right for you or your children. Just remind your children you are always there for them and are ready and waiting for them to talk with you about whatever they are thinking or feeling. I would prefer they have these challenges right here and now while they live under my roof, so that I can help equip them with the tools they need to overcome similar hurdles in the future once they leave our home.

Mary Ellen Barrett from New York

Early in my motherhood, I was negotiating a new and rather devastating diagnosis for my oldest child, a precocious toddler, and a difficult pregnancy. I was at the home of a good friend with a few other moms of babies and toddlers, and I was talking about the diagnosis and how we were going forward with therapies and treatments. A woman I was becoming friends with said, “I can’t imagine that. It’s a shame you didn’t know ahead of time. Now you may spend the rest of your life spooning oatmeal into someone and wishing things were different.”

It was like getting hit in the head with an anvil. Setting aside the fact that my son could feed himself just fine, we loved and cherished him no matter what his developmental problems. Who says that? She went on to warn me that my husband probably wouldn’t help me much because men “were like that” and I better set some rules up for him right now. I ran away from that playgroup and that mom like all the devils in hell were chasing me. Who knows, they very well might have been.

A person, under the guise of friendship, can easily sow seeds of discontent and self-pity. They can encourage the kind of wallowing that leads to despair, either for their own amusement or to feel needed in some way. They might want you to lean on them rather than on God or your spouse. It’s the beginning of the end of good relationships. Many years later, I came to know that while this woman’s family was intact, all of her “best friends” were divorced. She was like a marriage hand grenade exploding all over whomever fell into her perimeter.

Shortly after, at a parish-run moms and tots group, I met the women who God generously gave to me in friendship. Their shining example of how to be an excellent wife and mother have lifted me up many times over the last twenty-plus years and made me better than I would have been had they not been in my life.

Friendships are important to people. They help make us whole beings, and they fill a need that can’t be filled within the home and family. Our own Lord had valued friendships with the apostles, especially His dearest friend, St. John. He also had friendships outside of the twelve including: Lazarus, Mary Magdalen, and Martha. This tells us that friendships can uplift and help sanctify us, if we are careful in choosing. Friendships that begin in a love of God, a love of family, mutual goodness, charity, and devotion are friendships blessed by God. Pray that God send you such friendships, because they will enrich your life beyond measure.

Ginny Seuffert from Illinois

A Catholic homeschooling mom gives her all for a decade to form her teens’ characters. She keeps them home, away from the negative influences of the government school system. She insists on wholesome reading material and puts the Faith in the center of her curriculum. With her husband, she makes sure the children go to Sunday, and often daily, Mass and frequent Confession. They say grace before meals and the rosary during car trips. Mom and Dad keep a watchful eye on internet use.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Mom is devastated to discover her teen son smoked marijuana at a party, and looked at porn on a buddy’s phone. Her teenage daughter lied about her whereabouts to sneak out and see a forbidden movie, wearing a friend’s frayed jean shorts and exposed midriff. How could this have happened? Where did Mom fail?

Mom didn’t fail! Sadly, while she homeschooled, the really nice neighbors in the house up the block bought their children smartphones for their 10th birthdays. They misplaced their trust in a public school system that abandoned Judeo-Christian values long ago. Neighborhood children you have known for years and watched grow up have been corrupted by a world only too eager to
destroy innocence. Their parents have given up and shrug because, after all, “That’s today’s world.” Is there any hope for your children to have friends and keep their Catholic values at the same time?

You can read lots of good advice in this series, but let me share what worked for our family: We opened our home. We had New Year’s Eve and Super Bowl parties. The annual Seuffert Christmas Party was legend in our town. Teens could crash at our house after sporting events and movies. They were welcome to stop by anytime, just to say hello or to mooch a meal. We asked our kids’ friends to bring their friends by; we wanted to meet them too.

Outside our home, these teens might have been drinking, or smoking weed, or participating in intimate relationships, but not at our house! I have seen more than one case of lovely, and even religious, parents who were clueless as to what went on outside of the home. Meeting parents is certainly prudent but no guarantee that their children will be good influences on yours. You can only control what happens in your own home. Don’t worry about mess or noise. You will never regret opening your home to your children’s friends.

Science tells us that one rotten apple will spoil the whole bunch. As parents, one of the best rules of thumb is to apply this analogy to your children’s friendships. Quite often, we surround ourselves with people we refer to as friends, but don’t consider what makes up a truly authentic friendship: charity, faithfulness, honesty, and loyalty. Because of our fallen nature, we can expect that we might fail others in our friendships and vice versa. The key is to be watchful of those who exhibit behavioral spoilage to the point of toxic influence in our children’s lives and our own.

While we can overlook human failings and frailties, we should not overlook toxic behavioral patterns—patterns that reveal friendships as anything but authentic and true. Many friendships prove themselves not to be built on mutual respect, but on a selfish desire for pleasure or to take advantage of the other person.

Because an authentic friendship ultimately requires loving mutual effort, we parents should be watchful and mindful when multiple occasions of imbalance occur. For example, an authentic friend will not openly choose to spend time on their phone texting or on social media in your presence. True friendship is invitational, offering to be a hostess instead of always being the guest. True friendship requires frequent, attentive communication and returned replies. And true friendships are those you can count on one hand as blessings rather than based on the quantity of “friends” on social media.

If a once-blooming friendship fades into a selfish relationship, give yourself and your child permission to move on. Recognize the blessing this friendship was, even if just for a season. Each of us should recognize those friendships which offer a proper balance of giving and taking. Mutual concern for the other’s wants and needs often beget thoughtfulness and true charity.

Authentic friendships have all the earmarks of a good and fruitful influence. This is not to say that authentic friendships will never experience a few ups and downs; quite the contrary. By and large, friends will bring about good fruit in ourselves and others—not spoilage. Our efforts to be, seek, and enjoy holy companions is a quest for our whole lives, and not just for a season in our lives.

While a child is growing up, he is in formation, gaining strength, wisdom, and the discernment to make his own decisions when he is grown. He will have to decide for himself one day what kind of people he chooses to surround himself with. The parents’ job is to help him discern, and that means sometimes doing the messy parts—cutting off a friendship that is toxic. Think of it this way: you, as a parent, would never allow your child to run out into the busy street chasing after his run-away balloon. You would drop everything and run after him, putting your own life in danger if necessary. One bad friendship can bring an innocent child down, and it can happen before you know it. It is that serious.

One good way to avoid toxic friendships is talking with our children about what makes a true friend, and even pointing out certain friends we have (or they have) that exemplify that very definition—friends who desire us to be holy, friends who will motivate and inspire us to work harder to be a better person, and friends who will not stand by idly while we choose to do something foolish, but instead help us to get back on track. Friends like these are very hard to come by, but Our Lord is so generous. Ask Him to send good holy friends, not only for our children, but for us as well. He wants this even more than we do!

Read stories in Scripture, saint books, and classic literature that show good and faithful friendships. Pope St. John Paul II was lifted up and supported by his wonderful friendship with Jan Tyranowski when he was at his darkest hour after losing his mom, older brother, and dad at a young age. It was due to this friendship that JP2 was inspired to say, “I plead with you—never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged. Be not afraid!”

But also read your children stories that show bad friendships and the consequences from such relationships. St. Augustine, before his great conversion, was surrounded by toxic friendships—people who encouraged and affirmed him in the enslavement of his own passions. It wasn’t until he broke away from them entirely that he could begin to see with clarity what God was asking of him.

While they are young, we must teach our children to choose their friends wisely. The friends they surround themselves with will play a major part in the path they ultimately choose when we are not there to help them—either a path of misery and destruction or a path of happiness and holiness.